A Writer and her Muse
by badpunss
Summary: [Post s6 finale] [Multi chapters] Following Castle's death, Beckett tries to deal with his loss. But when he comes back five years later, holding HER book in his hands, he is not the same. Kate retreats in her guilt and tries to adapt to this new situation with Martha, Alexis and their twins. A story about old and new, darkness and light, and above all: love.
1. Chapter 1 : Her

**Chapter 1 : Her**

It has been five years since the day she last saw him. It was supposed to be their perfect day. It should have been a day filled with joy, laughters and love. Instead, it had been pain, screams and tears.

* * *

She didn't want to believe it at first. When Chief Brady called her, she thought it was a mistake. He had said 20 minutes. Her whole body and mind shut down. She was thinking thousand thoughts and yet only one: he was coming to her.

She had found her way to the car, which was supposed to take them after the wedding. The ride was endless.

"It must be a mistake." she told herself.

The driver's look on her said it wasn't. She decided to ignore it.

"It is a mistake."

She could see the smoke of a fire disappearing in the sky by the car's window. She ran out, ran as fast as possible.

Her limbs never felt so heavy, not even in those nightmares that would wake her up at night, the ones where the people who killed her mother was running towards her (those people had lately started to wear Bracken's face), the ones where she was stabbed by those same people (always wearing Bracken's face). Those nightmares where he had been there, standing right next to her.

"Need a hand?" he would ask her, extending his right hand and wearing his most beautiful smile.

When those nightmares had started after her mother's death, he wasn't there. She would wake up at night, sweaty and breathless, just after falling in a dark alley and being stabbed. Those nightmares would repeat themselves every night. He started to appear once she had read his books.

The first time, confusion hit her. He didn't speak nor offered his hand. But she had stood up after falling for the very first time.

It was a silhouette, but there was something about it. She couldn't make out a face but she knew it was him. She reached for it and when her fingertips were about to touch the presence she would wake up. She had been stabbed, again. Every night she would try to reach for the silhouette, make contact. Every night she would fail.

But it all changed when she met him (the second time). He was standing in the middle of the familiar alley, wearing the same clothes from their meeting (the first time). He looked at her fall, observed like a scientist would his subject. It had pissed her off until she met his eyes. They were filled with curiosity. Like hers. Why her? Why him?

He didn't offer his hand back then and she would have never taken it anyway.

But she would gladly tangle her fingers with his right now. But he wasn't there, she couldn't see his silhouette.

Picking up her wedding dress, she ran to the smoke, her mind was thinking thousands of miles a minute, a mile a minute: "This is not happening..."

When she laid her eyes on the burning car she knew. It was happening.

Tears covered her eyes as she fought to look up at the smoke. She collapsed on the hard floor, her wedding dress long forgotten. She tried to look up, tried to stand up again, grab his hand and stand up. There was no hand, no him, no presence. Only her. She closed her eyes and screamed until her lungs and throat couldn't keep up with her mind.

She had been stabbed.

She wasn't waking up.

* * *

The last time they were at their swing set, Bracken had set her up for murder. The time before that, he had proposed to her.

It all felt like a decade ago, it was only half of it.

She hears the laughter of kids in the playground; some were running after others, some sat on the floor, making sand castles. She could see Martha and Alexis in the distance. They had been a huge help for the past five years. One had lost a son, the other a father. She could only imagine the pain the first had went through, she had experienced the loss of a parent like the second.

Martha had dealt with his death in a castlesque way. Cheering her and Alexis up whenever one of them would break down, by talking about him, remembering some of his most ridiculous adventures, repeating his best jokes, watching one of his favorite movies, or by not doing anything at all. She had been the strongest of all three.

Alexis had done the same for Martha and her after a while, when the anger was gone. His daughter had been angry and Kate had been in the receiving end of that anger. But she knew too well that it wasn't her she was mad at, it was herself. She had been through this and had helped the girl the best she could. It wasn't the girl's fault, but the one who forced the car out of the road and ran away. At the beginning it was hard, but then it got better, with time.

That time started when she learned about her pregnancy.

* * *

Twins, the doctor had said, wearing a smile on her face. Kate was smiling and crying. She couldn't tell which tears were of joy and which of sadness. She had promised not to let him do this alone; she never thought to make him promise as well.

That day it wasn't him sitting next to her, smiling and kissing her. She had lost her fiancé, her lover (she had called him this way that day), her friend, her partner. He wasn't there, he couldn't be there.

But her father was, holding her injured hand too tight (she had smashed a mirror only two days ago), he was happy. She observed him as tears fell from his face when he turned to her. Full of joy they were, they shined as they fell.

"It's okay." she said once she noticed his tears turning a shade darker, like hers. She repeated the words as she removed the dark tears from her father's cheek. She doesn't want to see those tears.

She feels a hand on her knee and turns her head, she had almost forgotten about Martha and Alexis. Her (unofficial) stepmother was filled with joy and excitement. She couldn't remember the last time she had seen the woman with such a bright smile.

Alexis' eyes were focused on the screen, and she could tell the girl also had had the same thoughts as her. _He should be here_. The young woman turned to her and offered her hand, Kate held on to it tightly with her free hand as Alexis smiled at her. It wasn't as big as Martha's smile (which seemed to grow wider each second that passed) but it was there, it was honest.

"We're gonna be okay." she whispered to herself.

"We're gonna be okay." she said to her family.

* * *

Lost in her thoughts she hadn't heard the ginger woman sit next to her (on _his_ swing).

"I'm sorry, you were saying?" Kate asked, realizing the woman had spoken but didn't hear anything.

"It's the swing set? Yours and dad's?" she wondered. Her hands were holding each cord as she was swinging slightly.

"It is." Kate answered. "How do you know?" she asked after a moment. To her knowledge, Castle had never talked about their swing set to anyone.

Alexis pointed to the book Kate was holding. She had forgotten she had it in her hands. But she remembered the young woman telling her she wouldn't read the book either.

"Martha told me some of the best bits. And that the writer was good." she added.

"Well, I've learned from the best" Kate jokes.

She thanked Alexis as she left with a smile and a gentle touch on her shoulder.

The sound of children running around and laughing was still loud. She was walking towards the origin of the sound, to Martha specifically, to her kids, one of the few who traded running for castle sands.

Hers. _Theirs_.

Martha nods at her when their eyes meet. The woman always understood her, like her son. She looked down at the book she was holding.

* * *

The nightmares came back after his death. They were essentially the same except for the way she died: stabbed, freezed to death, shot at, falling of a rooftop, drowned or burned alive. The stabbing was still the most recurring one. It was also the one which hurt the most.

He was there but had come back to his silhouette form.

Just like before, even if she couldn't see his face, she trusted him. She reached for him.

And just like before, he disappeared before her fingers could touch him.

Every night.

The silhouette stayed for weeks, never revealing itself to her. Those weeks were the darkest.

Until one night, she had woken up breathless and sweaty one more time. One time too many. She had been frustrated and angry. She had started hitting on things. Whatever she could find, whatever could assure her that one of her senses hadn't left her. But she didn't feel a thing. Everything she touched, she didn't feel.

Martha had appeared by the door frame of her bedroom, worry in her eyes. She walked towards Kate in silence, took her hands and led her towards the bathroom. She didn't understand why until she looked down to their joined hands; she was bleeding. Her mother-in-law removed carefully the few pieces of glass that were stuck in her skin. The mirror, Kate thought, this must come from the mirror.

The two women didn't talk, each other paying attention to the other's hands. Once Kate's were clean and bandaged, Martha stood and started to walk towards the door.

"I don't know what to do." Kate thought. The older woman who had reached the bathroom's doorframe stopped and turned to her.

"Do what, darling?"

Kate had spoken out loud.

"Stand. He used to give me a hand. But now, he's just a silhouette I can't reach."

She could see that Martha was slightly confused by her words, but the woman walked back to her and crouched so her eyes would be at the same level as Kate setting on the edge of the bathtub. She took Kate's hands again.

"When did he give you his hand Katherine?"

As easily as Kate had been able to read Martha's confusion a minute ago, Martha saw hers.

"The first time he helped you stand, how did he do it?"

This time Kate wasn't confused. She knew when. She knew how. She knew why.

If the silhouette took his form the day of his book signing, it wasn't until later that he had offered his hand. The first time was when he told her he had news about her mother's murder when she had asked him specifically not to investigate. That night, the nightmare had come, she had fell, she had stood on her own next to him, looked at his eyes and expected the knife to go though her at any second, as soon as their eyes would make full contact. The knife didn't come.

Instead his hand extended towards her, it was shaking slightly, but determined. He didn't say anything. He looked at her. She looked at his hand, and stared back to his eyes.

She didn't take his hand that time.

And then she had been stabbed.

Since that day, her nights had a new taste. They were filled with something new, something she never asked for and found herself craving. Something she was scared of: hope.

After each night it felt less like nightmares and more like bad dreams. Each night, she would always get stabbed, but before that, he was there. As the months and years working with him went by, her dreams evolved. Every night he would reach for her, and she would reach for him. Sometimes too fast, sometimes too slow, which ended up in her death, and her waking up. But they were trying.

He spoke one night.

"Need a hand?" he had casually asked her. It was the night after the bombing of the anti-Wall Street rally at the Boylan Plaza. By that time his hand wasn't shaking anymore (it hadn't for a long time), that night, she could swear her fingers had touched his.

Martha stood up but Kate didn't let go of her hands.

"Thank you." Kate said, squeezing slightly the woman's hands.

"Anytime." And Martha left. Kate felt the loss of the woman's hands.

That night she didn't sleep. She needed the silhouette to take his form. She went to his office and looked for a book but couldn't find it. The office had always been his. It was sad without him, missed his joy, missed his life. Neither her, Alexis or Martha came in here too often.

After a few minutes of searching she sat on his chair, frustrated. She knew he had a copy of it somewhere. She was about to leave when she saw it, right there on his desk, next to a framed photograph of him and Alexis at the park taken years ago, when the young woman had been just a girl. She took the book, "Heat Wave" the cover said. She opened it and read.

She didn't sleep for the following two nights, she read instead, read the story of how they fell in love.

The third night was after she had learned about her pregnancy. That third night she had slept. That third night, the silhouette had taken his form.

* * *

When Lanie asked her why she had wrote their story down, Kate had answered that she wanted Alexender and Lona to know their father. She didn't want to leave out any detail, she didn't want to forget.

It was a lie.

It is something that she had needed to do, just like when she had read his books to make him appear. She had read all his books over and over again. Even the Derrick Storm comics. But he wasn't offering his hand. If they were what triggered the silhouette to leave, what triggered his hand the first time hadn't been the books; it had been their partnership.

But she couldn't have it back.

The idea came up one night, while talking with Alexis. She never told her about the nightmares but her (unofficial) daughter-in-law knew that some nights Kate would be reading in his office. One night, after putting the kids to bed (it was a Saturday, they ate too much candy, which resulted in an excess of energy. They had slept late the next morning.) Alexis joined her. She was reading the last Nikki Heat book.

"I miss his writing." she had said, not expecting an answer. She missed it too.

"You look so much like him you know." the young woman pointed out. "He used to sit like you, legs crossed on the desk, book or computer on his lap. Whenever I would tell him that it wasn't a really good writing position he would tell me he didn't care as long as he looked cool.'"

The women laughed together, one at the old memory, the other at this new memory.

She continued "It didn't look cool though. He complained a lot about his back but still kept doing it."

"He didn't want you to be right. Again." Kate commented with a chuckle.

"I'm always right," the young woman said, "he eventually found out when the chair broke down and I found him on the floor. Since that day, he sat like a normal human being."

The two women laughed and shared stories. Eventually, exhausted, Alexis had gone up to her room and left Kate in the office.

"You look like him." she had told her. There was a time she would have taken this as an insult. This time was long gone, though. She took the laptop on his desk and opened it after removing some of the dust that was on it. The office gained a little of life lately, but his absence always felt heavier here.

She was no writer that she knew. The closest she ever got to it was police reports and Nebula-9 fanfiction.

What she was is a cop, a daughter, a mother, a muse. But she wasn't all of those things when she had met him, he had help her improve herself, become something new, a better her.

Maybe, in some way, he could help her deal with his loss the way he did her mother's. Maybe writing their story would help her do what he had done once by herself. Maybe writing down how they fell in love would make him give her his hand.

After a few weeks it did.

The dreams had become less frequent then, but when they were there, he always extended his hand to her, worked together again to find a way out of the alley. They had found their old rhythm, their fingers brushing, touching after a few weeks.

When she arrived towards the end of the book, she had grabbed his hand.

"Need a hand?" He had laughed, like he used to. And pulled her out of the alley.

She woke up. She didn't die. She felt it again: hope.

He had made her promise not to let him write a memoir. She had never promised she wouldn't write him one herself.

* * *

She ran a finger over the book's cover. It showed a man's sillouhette, sitting on the chair by his desk (his legs on the desk, not in a normal human being way) with his hand joined in front his face.

She never intended to publish it; she had always loved her privacy and wished on keeping it private.

But she thought it was something that could surprise him, and make him proud. So she did it.

The book had sold better than intended, she wasn't sure she was happy about it or not. The profit made out of it was given to the scolarship he had created in memory of her mother.

She looked up to see her daughter's eyes on her. When the little girl realized her mother was looking back at her she made grand gestures and asked her mother to join her and her brother. She could see the girl was screaming but she couldn't hear her over the noise of all the other kids laughing.

"I'm coming honey!" Kate screamed for her daughter to hear. When the girl's face grew a wide smile she knew she had been heard.

The little girl turned back to the castle sand and destroyed a part of it. A part her brother had made. He didn't seem sad about it, instead he turned to her sister. Kate read her son's lips, he had asked her why. She doesn't know what her daughter answered.

She stood up, the book still in her hands she traced a finger over the title. She missed calling him that way. She left the book on the swing she had sat on. She looked at it one last time before heading over to her family.

"CASTLE" the title said,

"By Kate Beckett"

* * *

They had come home, without Martha and Alexis, who wanted to finish their afternoon shopping. Her little lions had asked to come home earlier than usual and she was happy about it.

She loved spending time with them, watch them play, talk to each other. She felt grateful that it had been twins, that it had been _their_ twins. Whenever the two would start to have a vivid discussion she felt like Ryan and Esposito must have felt while watching _them_ theorize. They kept pushing each other's button. Sometimes she would just look at them and one would do or say something she would associate to her or him.

"Mom, I have a question." The boy said, raising his hand high in the air.

"Why are you raising your hand Alex?" she asked her son.

"Yes, why? We're not at school bro. It's Sunday, there's no school on Sundays." her daughter said, taking her brother's arm and putting it down.

"You can't tell me what I can't do, bro!" he told his sibling before turning back to his mother (she will kill Ryan and Esposito for making her kids call each other "bros")

"Are we like him? Like daddy?"

She found two pair of eyes staring back at her. They had seen picture and videos of him; she had told them some stories, about how they saved people, how they saved each other. She had caught the two of them reading his books in the office one day.

They never ask, probably know that it is hard for her to talk about him but they just wanted to know him, and she wanted them to know him as well. As sweet and innocent those moments were, talking about him was one of the moments that hurt the most. One of the moments she also enjoyed the most.

"Yes, you do. A lot. Both of you" she answered, not certain about how steady her voice sounded. It was the truth. Alex was the one who looked physically more like him (probably because he was the boy) but Lee (her name was Lona but she preferred being called Lee) had inherited his creative mind. And somehow, her daughter was also the one more down to earth than her brother (that she got from her mother). She never thought this could be possible but when she looked at them, she saw them in one body. Two different versions of themselves together.

"Mommy, someone knocked." the little girl said.

"I don't think so I didn't he-"A knock cut her. The pair of eyes was looking at her. No, they were giving her the look (her look). They knew what they had heard.

"A minute!" she screamed, hoping whoever it was they wouldn't mind waiting for her to put the knife she was holding out of the kid's reach.

Lee appeared out of her bedroom, she didn't see her leave, with two pairs of high heels, the ones she couldn't find for a week.

"Operation giraffe!" she screamed before putting down the shoes in front of her and her brother. They put the shoes on, Lona almost fell but her brother caught her arm to keep her steady.

"What are you guys doing?" Kate questioned, pointing her index to her shoes.

"The other day, when someone knocked at the door, you didn't let us open the door" her son started.

"You said it's because we weren't tall yet." the girl continued.

"But now we are!"

"Like you!"

She rolled her eyes in amusement. They were looking up at her. She laughed.

"That's not what I meant and you know it. Lee, can you put those shoes back please? I've been looking for them for a few days."

The girl took her brother's shoes, and walked back towards the bedroom, not taking her shoes off.

The boy was extending his arm to his mother.

"You're five honey, I'm not carrying you."

"I'm technically closer to four than five. And you just said I'm not tall" the boy answered with a smirk.

She was never going to get to that door. The person probably left anyway.

"Next time Alex." She promised the young boy, ruffling his hair and heading to the door.

"I'm sorry for taking so much time, kids you know how it is." she said as she opened the door, looking down at her son trying to fix back his hair.

She looked up to the stranger at her door only to see he wasn't a stranger at all.

She was glad she hadn't carried her son.

Time stopped.

"My friend, have you heard of a shower?" the little boy said, he was holding his mother leg with one hand and pinching his noise with the other.

She didn't smell anything. She had lost all her senses. All but one: her sight.

She stared at the man's eyes. She remembered it more intense. He looked tired, scared, confused. But he didn't take his eyes off her.

Her daughter ran to her other leg and held on to it. She pinched her nose.

"Sir, you smell bad, you should shower." the little girl said.

"I already said that!" the boy told his sister.

"Well I didn't know, I just got here and I don't have superfonic ears."

"It's 'supersonic' and no one has them. They're a superpower."

The twins were being _them_ again.

"Well, I will one day." her daughter said. _(Him)_

"You just can't Lee. How do you even know about it anyway? Did you read my comics?" _(Her)_

"I might have." _(Her)_

"Awesome!" _(Him)_

They thumb shaked each other. Something they had come up with after Ryan and Esposito had showed them their handshake and had explained the importance of a bromance. The two little kids finding the men's handshake too complicated came up with their own. A simple touch of each other's thumb. They called it thumb shake.

It was _theirs_ only.

"Mommy… who's this?" the little girl said, looking up to the man.

She wondered how much time had passed since she opened the door; they had been staring at each other for quite some time now. But neither of them seemed to have had enough.

And then he moved.

He extended a hand to her. He was slow, his arm was shaking like she had never seen before (even more than it that freezer). He handed her something. She broke the eye contact and looked down. It was her book.

It was _their_ book.

She took it, making sure she didn't make contact with his fingers (because when she touches him he always fades away). She looked down when a tear escaped her eyes, falling on the cover. The tear was bright, the tear was shining.

She looked up to him again; a smile had appeared on his face, the confusion gone from his eyes.

Her right arm reached for his cheek, she was shaking as much as him. She almost drew her arm back when her fingers were about to touch him. She didn't want him to go again, she wanted him to stay. Even if she could only stare at his eyes. As long as his would stare back at hers.

But she didn't pull back. Her tears blurred her vision but not her touch. Her fingertips made contact with his raw beard and then his skin. He closed his eyes, taking in the feeling of her warm shaking hand on his skin. He breathed out at the same moment as her, they had been holding their breath all along.

A laughter escaped her lips as she caressed his cheek with her full hand. Running her thumb across his cheek.

He had come to her.

"Who's this?" the little boy repeated his sister's question.

She knew who this was. And so she answered.

She said that six letter words she thought she would never get to call him again.

"Castle."

* * *

**EDIT:** This was supposed to stay a one-shot but I am writing more. Look forward to chapter 2.


	2. Chapter 2 : Him

**Chapter 2: Him**

**Author's note:** Thank you for all the review/fav/follow/tweets. They all pushed me to write a little more of this story. I didn't expect so much love for my first fic. Please note that the rating goes up in this chapter. Enough said, enjoy it. I'm looking forward to your reviews.

* * *

She closed the distance between them and wrapped him in a tight hug. Her body slammed against his, her hands touching every spot on his back. Her tears falling on his skin felt joyful, he noticed he has started to cry as well. She knew why she was crying but he didn't know why he was.

She trailed kisses on his cheek, jaw and shoulder; when her lips weren't in contact with his skin she said his name, over and over again. He realized that his arms had stayed along his body, not returning the embrace and put them gently on her back. He felt the strange familiarity in the gesture and applied more pressure. Has he ever done this before?

Her touch, her smell and her voice were gentle and strong, new and familiar.

She made him remember an old dance when he couldn't remember he had ever listened to music.

"_Kate?"_

She had felt special, unique, beautiful in the book... Like now.

His mind didn't remember but his heart was certain, pounding harder and faster as their bodies were pressed firmly together, as he tried to say her name. If only he could say it to her, if only he could look at her eyes and say her name.

"_Kate._" He tried once more.

Still nothing. Only silence.

* * *

Everything was blurry; he had smashed his head hard on the air bag. As he brought his hand to his face to check for any injury, a scream escaped him. The source of the pain was his hand, his fingers had been seriously bent, and his wrist seemed broken.

He had seen a black car driving fast towards him. Next thing he knew, his head was pounding and his hand seriously injured. He had to get out. His whole body screamed as he tried to be free of his seatbelt. His clothes were ruined with blood.

"Beckett is finally going to use that gun of hers." he murmured to himself before pressing the seat belt button.

The seat belt had been one thing, the door another. It got stuck and all his attempts to force it open only brought more pain to his body. He tried to move to the passenger seat only to see that the other door wouldn't open either. He had to break the window. He took off his jacket and wrapped it around his arm to avoid any cut. A few drops of blood were acceptable but cutting himself seemed a little too much for the wedding.

"You seem like you could use some help!" a feminine voice said from outside.

The door swung open and a hand helped him up, his weight was too much for his legs forcing him to rely on the car and the unknown woman.

"You are my savior, thank you." he told the blonde short haired woman. She smiled at his word, and started to straighten his clothes.

"Such a beautiful suit, too bad you won't be attending your wedding." she opened her bag pack and took out a red tissue.

"Oh I think I can manage without… wait how did you-"

The tissue was now on his noise.

His world went black.

* * *

"_Wake up!"_

His eyes blinked, he could hear cars in the distance.

"_It's time for the show."_

He finally opened his eyes and met others, green, staring at him with excitement. He looked up to the trees, more green. Everything was wrong, he shouldn't be here. Where was Beckett? Where was he?

"What? You don't like my eyes Rick? Or was it others you were looking for?"

She forced his head down, letting him no choice but to look at her. He had to stay calm, more importantly; he had to get out of here, and fast.

She looked at her watch and moved to his side. A new scene reveled itself in front of him. Several cars were gathered around his, which was burning now. The unintelligible voices of stranger were meddling with the cars engines.

A white car approached the scene in front of him. The door flew open to reveal a woman in a wedding dress.

_Kate._

He wanted to scream her name and run to her, hold her in his arm and tell her he was okay. But he did none of this. He straightened his legs to get up but didn't see his ankles were tied up on a chair, his weight balanced and made him fall head first to the ground.

"Oh yes, I tied you up a little bit. I thought you'd try to run to her."

She crouched and tried to put tape over his mouth. He moved his face away from her hands but there was nothing he could do. The plastic ropes were tight around his ankles and wrists (the right one was still painful).

"Enough!" she placed her hand violently against his cheek to keep him steady and put the tape over his mouth. She took a handful of his hair and turned his face towards the scene in front of him.

"She can't see you. She can't hear you."

He saw her fall on the floor, her face wet by her tears.

They both started screaming.

Only her voice could be heard.

He kept screaming over the tape. He stopped breathing, his lungs and mind only shouting her name. His eyes only focused on her.

He could only see her.

And then, his world went black.

* * *

Darkness was all he could see. He had been moved hours ago, how much exactly he had no idea: knocked down twice, wrist broken, no light, and no sound beside his own heavy breaths. He couldn't move, still heavily tied up to a chair (a different one).

No way out.

A bright light suddenly appeared from the ceiling, blinding him.

"Look who is finally awake!" he couldn't see her enter, his eyes still trying to adjust to the white light burning his eyes.

"I hope you enjoyed your sleep, because you won't be having much of it before a long time." She approached him and removed the tape on his mouth.

"What do you want?" This had been his first words since she had helped him out of the car (he would have done without the help really). Engaging in a conversation with a deranged woman seemed like a bad idea, but it was the only thing he could do.

"I already have what I want. I have _you_." she walked to a trail in the corner of the room he hadn't noticed. Syringe, medicine, tubes, knives… The situation was getting worst by the second.

"If you have any questions, now is the time. Believe me, you won't remember the answer."

There's nothing he wanted to know. There's nothing he needed to know. She must have left a trail, and Beckett will follow it. She'll find him. He didn't care about answers he didn't need.

"And before you ask, _she_ won't find you."

"She will find evidence of what you did. She'll find out I wasn't in the car."

"She'll find evidence, of course. But only the ones I want her to find. Long story short, everyone has something they need or don't want to lose. Find the right people, and well… you can make things disappear! Or in this case, look slightly different."

Bribes, threats, murder... Had she done this? All this by herself? Which people was she talking about and more importantly, could she really make everyone believe he was dead? Could she make Beckett believe it?

"I know this isn't making sense to you. But don't worry, I'm doing this for your own good. You'll forget everything, you'll forget her... And you'll thank me... You'll love me."

"Oh so you're the deranged kind of fan who kidnaps the object of her desires? I am saddened to say that me loving you seems highly unlikely."

Her features changed. She wore a tank top which revealed her muscles of her back tensing at his words. He was getting to her, let's hope he would't regret it.

"Actually, I'd say impossible. I love another."

It happened quickly. She turned around and a knife flew across the room, landing on his right shoulder.

Now he regretted it. He screamed as the knife cut his flesh and entered his right shoulder.

"She doesn't deserve you! Don't you see it! Little cop thinks she can wave her badge and get whatever she wants, whenever she wants. But now... Now she can't, now I have what I want, now it is my turn!"

He didn't pay much attention to her now, more focused on his shoulder and the blood escaping it and falling down his arm, leaving a red trail on his white shirt. And pain, he was focused on the pain.

"I'm sorry about the knife... I'm... I'm just excited to start this new life with you. It won't be easy at first but... Every love story has a rooky start right?"

She walked to him with a syringe in her hand.

"I'm going to take care of you from now on. Just one last good night of sleep and then we will get started. Then..."

His world went black.

* * *

Light. So much light. Too much light.

He wasn't tied up to his chair anymore, but a bed. He was laying on his back, hand and feet restrained, shoes and shirt gone. He looked to his shoulder and found it bandaged, his hand also hurt less, a splint was on it.

The light was directed to his face, blinding him just like earlier. Added to it was the dizziness, she had drugged him with something that made his head and stomach turn. He didn't feel good at all.

He stayed like this for hours. He was hungry but felt as if he could throw up at any second. He wanted to sleep again but the light was too bright. He noticed cables on his legs, chest and arms, but it was impossible to see to what they were linked.

Hours passed and his eyes felt heavy, the light didn't matter anymore and his eyes began to close, anticipating the sweet peace of sleep.

His eyes were about to shut when music started to play loudly in the room. He had been to a few concerts in his life and enjoyed listening to music a little louder than necessary when he needed an escape from his writing, but this was an entirely new kind of loud. The kind of loud you can't get used to. The kind that hurts. The kind that keeps you awake when you need to sleep.

He stayed awake, his brain and body in pain, for hours. Starving, thirsty, exhausted added to the high temepeature of the room.

Suddenly, his world went black.

The sound stopped at the same time the light turned off.

Silence.

He slept.

* * *

The light went on again too soon. The thirst and hunger kept him from enjoying the little sleep he actually got. He had kept waking up to nightmares, only to find himself awake in another.

The door opened and she entered. She looked completely different; she had died her hair brown and let them fall on her shoulder. Her tank and trousers were replaced with a dress.

She sat next to him on the bed and showed him a photograph.

"Who's this?"

The photograph she held was one of Beckett during their weekend in the Hamptons a year ago. She was sit at a table outside a café smiling, he knew that because he had been there, but he was cropped out of the photograph. Why was she asking him what she obviously knew?

"Who are you?" he replied, it only occurred to him he still didn't know her name.

She cringed and repeated her question.

"Beckett." He finally said, "That's Beckett."

She stood up and left. What was the point of this? She was obviously not happy with his answer but was she expecting another?

The point of this was revealed to him a few minutes later. He screamed as electricity went from the cables to his body. She was doing this to him. The pain was so big he had stopped breathing; his left fist closed so tight that his nails dug dipped in his hand drawing blood. It lasted minutes and then it was gone.

He was panting. How much time before Beckett would find him? How much time had passed since he had last seen her?

He stayed alone in the illuminated room hours. The woman didn't come back. When he tried to get some sleep either music would start playing again or he would get a jolt of electricity.

He still hadn't eaten or drunk anything.

Then his world went black.

The door opened and he heard footsteps in the room. He couldn't see anything but felt that someone was nearby. A hand touched the back of his head, helping him up.

"What's your name?" he asked once more.

"Drink." It was the woman's voice, but she didn't sound like before, she sounded calm, almost sweet, and innocent. But she was none of this.

"It's only water don't worry." He didn't want to drink anything she gave him, but his throat was dry and his limbs longed for something to drink. So he did. And it was only water.

"I'll try to come back later."

And then she was out of the room. A few minutes passed and he slept.

* * *

The light and dark pattern repeated itself month after month. The woman would always enter the (his) room, wearing that same dress and her curly hair down on her shoulder. She would ask who the woman on the photo is.

"It's Beckett." he would answer.

Minutes later he would feel the painful and familiar electricity running in his body. Sometimes she would drug him, letting him in a dizzy state, with hallucination, and then he would throw up. Which it was going to be, he could never know.

She always came back when it was dark, like she promised. She gave him some food, some water or even washed him from time to time. He never spoke to her in the dark.

"Kate." he would keep answering as the woman shows him the photograph.

Electricity and drugs were met with cutting after some time. On his chest mostly, sometimes his arms or legs.

One year had pasts and he kept answering her question. Until one day he did not. She knew the answer anyway and he knew what would follow. He was tired.

She had starred at him for a long time, waiting for the answer. It never came; he just looked at the beautiful woman on the photograph. The face he hadn't seen for over two years.

That day was the only time she had cut his face, leaving a scar on the right side of his lips, and blood falling in his mouth.

When his world went black again, the other woman had come back again, gave him some water and tried to clean his face.

"Darkness." she whispered as her hand swept off the blood on his face.

"You once asked for my name. It's Darkness."

She would always come back to him, treating his cuts and burns. She brought a candle once. She had short blonde hair and beautiful green eyes.

Darkness looked calm, sweet and innocent.

Light was the opposite. Light was pain.

The woman on the photograph wasn't smiling anymore. No one could held a smile for over three years. The woman on the photograph felt distant.

He had stopped answering the question. He had stopped looking at the photograph.

He just wanted to see Darkness.

* * *

Darkness had given him water and bread that day. She had stayed with him, she had left him. He stared at the darkness, waiting for Light to come, for the question, for the pain. He didn't quite feel it anymore, maybe he was getting used to it. Getting used to look at the floor when Light came, used to never answer, used to wait for the pain to hit him, used to be dead for 5 years.

Everything went wrong. Electricity ran into his body, stronger than he had ever felt. He tried to scream but his mouth let no sounds escape. He was grasping for air, pleading in his head for the pain to stop, he realized that he wasn't dead anymore and promised himself to never forget it, if only the pain would stop.

The light weren't turned on. Was Darkness doing this to him?

She was nice, funny and beautiful. Why would she do this to him?

The light turned on and the door flew open.

"WHAT IS THIS?!" the woman screamed.

The woman had Light's clothes and Darkness's face. She held what seemed to be a book in her hands. He had never seen Light so angry. No, it wasn't Light, it was Darkness.

No it wasn't Darkness. Her face and eyes were red where he remembered a pale skin and green eyes. Her voice aggressive and Darkness had been soft.

This was Darkness' true face. Darkness was Light. And Light was pain.

She threw the book at him and it felt by the side of the bed. He took it (he hasn't been tied up for a long time) and looked at the cover.

"CASTLE" the title said.

"By Kate Beckett"

He felt a strange familiarity in those words. Not the same familiarity he shared with Darkness when she came everyday to fix him before Light came. This one felt distant but also strong as if it had been within him all along and it was only now he could feel it.

"WHO'S THIS?" the woman screamed showing him the photograph.

He had always known one name: Darkness. Until now. There was this other name: Kate. It must be a beautiful name to day, it felt like a beautiful one to think.

"WHO. IS. SHE?!" she screamed again.

"_Kate?_" He tried to say. His mouth still refused to let any sounds out. So he just looked at the photograph.

"This is NEVER GOING TO WORK!"

His eyes were fixed on the photograph. No this wasn't Kate.

"IT'S NOT HER IT'S ME! YOUR EYES THINK OF HER BUT THIS IS ME! DON'T YOU SEE!"

And indeed it was. It was long ago since he had last looked at the photograph, but this one was different. The woman on it tried to replicate the old one. Every detail had been taken care of: the light, the background and the clothes.

But the smile.

He remembered her smile. It used to fill him with a pleasant feeling, one he hadn't felt for a long time. It was natural and generous. It was beautiful.

The one on the current photograph was not. She had replaced the photograph without him noticing one day. Maybe it was the day he had stopped looking.

"YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO START LOVING ME! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK! AND HERE SHE IS WAVING HER SUCCESS AT ME, WAVING MY FAILURE! I'M SURE YOU ARE ENJOYING THIS!"

She left and slammed the door after her. Leaving the photograph in the middle of the room.

He looked down to the book. Underneath the title was the silhouette of a man, sitting on a chair and legs crossed on a desk. He turned the book to look at the back cover. The photo of a man smiling was on the left corner of the book.

He read.

"_Dear Rick, I don't know how much time I have, even to write this letter. What I do know now is that I'm in this and the only way I'm going to make it out alive is to see this through. I'm sure everyone is looking for me and if they figure out I was here CSU is going to search this house. They're going to look for blood and they will find it, which will lead them to this letter. Babe, it's your letter. And I hope you never have to read this, that I can tell you all of these things in person, but if something happens and I don't make it, I need you to know that our partnership, our relationship, is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. You're an amazing man and I love you with all of my heart. Always."_

* * *

He had read the book as fast as possible, fearing the light will leave again. When he did, he felt this familiarity again but there was something else. Something he felt and knew he had felt before, but couldn't put a name on it, a face on it.

The second reading was slower; he had found a pen nearby the trail and used it to underline some part of the book.

The light never turned off since the woman had given him the book.

The woman also never came back.

The book had stirred something in him. Things that felt like memories. It spoke of unknown people and unknown places. It spoke of people and places he used to know.

It spoke of what he wanted to know (again?).

He looked at the nightstand; on the right side was the book, on the left the photograph.

He didn't know if what the book was saying was true, but his heart felt more sure. And so he decided to follow the latter. He picked up the book and walked to the door, it opened to his surprise. The place was silent and only his footsteps could be heard. He walked in rooms and corridors, looking for something or someone that could help him. He walked towards the last room he hadn't checked and fell.

Blood. He had slipped on blood.

He landed just next to the pool of blood, too tired to stand up he followed the the trail with his eyes.

It led to the woman. She was lying on the floor, her face was against the floor and her neck had been sliced open. She was dead.

Scared, he stood up and put as much distance as he could with the body.

He stopped. _The book_, he had dropped the book.

"_No. No. No. No. No."_

The book had fallen right next to the puddle of blood. The corner was stained, stained by the woman's blood.

That's when it hit him. The woman was never real, but she had ruined what was. She had tried to make him something new and made him forget the old to do so. And it has almost worked.

He cried. It had worked.

Eventually he had stopped crying. He stayed sitting next to the puddle of blood, holding the book in his hand and looking at the back cover.

"_I'm in this and the only way I'm going to make it out alive is to see this through."_

He glanced at the only door he hadn't walked through yet.

He wanted to make it. He wanted to make it out alive.

He stood up and opened the door.

He wasn't in the apartment anymore.

* * *

He had walked aimlessly for a few days, following where his mind and heart told him. After a while he had gathered that the city he was in was New York. He had found a bag with some food and a bottle of water along the way, which he saved as much as he could.

The day was hard. The sun hit him too hard; the noise of the city reminded him of the room. That's why he only walked at night, during the day he would sat in a corner and wait for the night to come. He brought his bottle of water up to his lips.

Empty.

"You can have mine."

He looked up and found a little brown haired girl with blue eyes staring down to him.

No one had ever looked at him since he was in the city. (Why would they when there is the sky above them?)

"_Thank you."_ he tried to say.

She was smiling at him. He thought he had finally spoke but then realized he was just smiling. It felt good. She looked at his book as if she knew it. Could she?

"I have to go, my bus is coming."

The little girl turned around and ran to the bus stop. She held a woman's hand, at her touch the red haired woman looked down and started to talk to her.

Alexis. It was Alexis. She looked so much like her, it was her. How much time had passed?

"Alexis!" he tried to scream.

They stepped into the bus.

"Alexis!" he whispered.

They were gone.

He stood up and walked to the bus stop. He will be on the next one.

He opened the new bottle of water and drank.

* * *

He stood in front of the door and rested his hand on the flat surface. He couldn't be sure this was the right door; after all, he had just got off the bus because he had like the look of one building. It didn't mean anything.

He knocked.

Nothing.

He looked down to the book in his hand and knocked again.

"A minute!" a voice said.

He heard her voice again, and ones of kids talking. It was the longest minute he had lived.

"I'm sorry for taking so much time, kids you know how it is."

_Her._ The woman from the real photograph.

He heard kids' voices but had no idea what they were saying. He was lost in her eyes. He remembered the photograph and it did not do her justice. She was beautiful.

He had to talk to her somehow.

But she can't hear him. _But she can see him._

He handed her the book. They way she had looked to the book would have made any doubts he had go away, but he didn't have any. She understood what he meant with the gesture.

He smiled.

She was the woman from the book.

She reached for his cheek, at the contact he almost drew back, something went from her fingers to his skin. It wasn't like the electricity that used to go through him, this touch was pleasant and warm. Loving.

He leaned in her hand.

He had come to her.


	3. Chapter 3 : Survivors

**Chapter 3 : Survivors**

People in a hospital hoped for good news, stared at this door as if it would open and a doctor would appear with a smile and tell them that someone close to them or themselves would be okay.

Most people were there for a consult, a broken leg that needed fixing, a pounding headache or trying to stay alive after an accident. All were common reasons to be in a hospital.

But her reason wasn't common at all, where others were waiting on news about whether their loved one had survived or not, she was the only one here to already know the answer. This should make the waiting easier but it doesn't.

Hospitals had this smell of clean sickness, an air too pure and too bad to breathe, walls were painted in a grey shade of white, the hallways empty could become full of doctors and injured people in a second and the silence was loud. Hospitals were the place where all that was white was touched by something black, where silence met noise, detergent met blood. Where life and death met and made one.

Like any other human being she hated hospitals, but above all, she hated that her kids were there, breathing the air, touching the floors, hearing the noisy silence.

They had barely talked since they had left the house, them who always had conversations over which superhero was better, which food was tastier or who was the one who could read faster. They had been here for an hour already and they haven't said a word (unless that thing people say about twins is true and they didn't need words to talk to each other). Each were reading comics, this was one of the things she loved the most about them, they've always loved reading, like their father. She hadn't pushed them towards books, some day they just asked her to buy some comics for them after looking at the covers in a store.

She looked at her watch. An hour and half had passed since she had called Martha. She had said that she would meet them at the hospital, but she was probably been stuck in traffic.

During the ride over here, the traffic was still fluid enough to come fast, which she had been thankful for. Car rides with the kids were them singing whatever song they had in their heads, playing whatever game they wanted or discussing their day. The ones with Castle were them building theories, pushing each other buttons.

A car ride with the four of them, she had never hoped for it, barely had imagined it. All three of them laughing, Castle making jokes and Lona would follow his lead. Her and Alex would probably roll their eyes at one of their jokes. But it hadn't been that at all, silence, tension, confusion that's what it had been like.

He hadn't spoke a word since he had showed up at her door, she first thought he was just overwhelmed as she was, but the minutes passed as they had moved to the couch in the living room and he didn't talk. She understood it wasn't his choice entirely, the way his eyes locked with hers whenever she would ask him how he could be here or what had happened to him, reflected his frustration. Then he had laid eyes on the kids, standing far behind her. They were looking at him, observing this unknown man who appeared to be their father. She asked them to come closer, to properly introduce them.

* * *

She wiped clean the tears on her face, as each of the kids stood at her sides.

"Castle, this is your son and your daughter, Alexender and Lona."

His eyes were bouncing back and forth between the two little kids.

"Kids, this is your-"

"It's dad." her daughter said, cutting her off.

Castle reached for his bag pack and opened it, taking an empty water bottle out of it. He handed it to his daughter.

"No, I gave it to you. You can keep it."

"Wh- what's going on?" she asked, watching the conversation about the two of them. She couldn't have given him anything, or did she meant something else?

They just stood there, father holding his daughter's and son's hand. She was mesmerized by it, the love in his eyes. She remembered when Alexis had been kidnapped and the conversation they had had. He had talked about the day he had held Alexis for the first time, the day of her birth, that instant love he had felt for her as their eyes had met. That inexplicable love she had herself felt the day she gave birth to the twins and a woman had handed them to her. Today she was the one handing them to him for the first time, and she got to see it in his eyes, this love.

"Mom… mommy." the little boy said, trying to get his mother attention. After a few seconds she looked down to him.

"You remember how Lee and I were supposed to stay at Alexis' yesterday but I was sick?"

"Yes, I do. Why honey?" she replied, confused as to where his was going.

"Well only Lee went. And this morning they came home by bus because Lex's car was broken… Lee told me that she had seen a man that looked like dad in the photos. And he was reading your book and also he wanted to drink water but his bottle was empty so she went to give him hers."

Lona's words started to make sense now. Maybe it also explained why he had come here only today.

"Why didn't she tell me anything? Why didn't you?"

She wanted to ask directly to her daughter but she and Castle were playing with their hands, fingers touching each inch of the other's hand, Alex was only holding his father's and looking up at her so getting an answer from him would be easier.

" Well… Alexis told her in the bus that it couldn't be possible and that she shouldn't wander off to strangers in the streets because it's dangerous. And when Lee told me what happened I said the same thing because when my hamster died you said he couldn't come back because he was dead… like daddy… but…"

Was that it? Had he lived in the streets for five years? If that was the case why hadn't he come back earlier?

"Sorry I didn't say anything mom."

"Oh no honey, it's okay. It's okay" she said, passing her hand carefully on his hand not to ruin his haircut.

What happens now?

"Mom?" the little girl called, breaking the eye contact with her father for the first time. "What's this?" she asked pointing to her father's wrist.

She had left the NYPD three years ago, being there without him and raising the kids became difficult for her to stay at the precinct. She had taken a teaching position at the police academy, it wasn't as great as being a police detective but she had more time with her kids and babysitting hours with Martha were easier to organize. When she had been a detective, she had seen the mark her daughter was showing her, usually on dead bodies. They were old rope marks, starting to fade. Has he been tied up? Were there other marks on his body?

"Okay… Kids, can you go to my room and grab my purse; it should be on the bed. And please check if my phone and car keys are in it?"

She knew the keys and the phone were in it, but she needed a few minutes alone with him. He brought back his eyes to her when the kids were out of sight.

"Castle… Have you…" she didn't know what to say so she grabbed his sleeve, and started to push it up his right arm. When she did, he grabbed her arm with his free hand and stopped her from going further. The gesture wasn't soft or loving as the hug had been at the doorstep, this one was frightened and pleading her to not do what she was about to. She looked up at him and his eyes were staring at her hand holding the sleeve.

"It's okay Castle. I'm not gonna do anything… don't worry, it's just me."

He looked up at her and the worry slowly faded away, she looked down and slowly pulled up his sleeve. She was expecting something but actually seeing it disturbed her. His skin had been cut several times, she could even see a recent burn on it.

"What happened to you?" it came out as a whisper as she looked up to him.

"Mom, are we going somewhere?" Lee asked, coming out of the bedroom, her brother following her and holding her purse.

She pulled down his sleeve slowly not to frighten him, but fast enough so that the kids didn't see the injured arm.

"Hospital, we're going to the hospital."

* * *

She sat in an empty hallway, her kids next to her reading quietly, and waited. The worst part is the wait, the not knowing what is happening beyond the closed double door. Bringing him here had seemed logical, the scars and burns on his arm, his tired eyes, his heavy breaths, he didn't seem okay and it scared her. She wanted him to be okay, she wanted him to be okay with them.

Maybe she should try reading as well. She had brought Castle's book in her purse. Of course she had already read the book, she had wrote it after all, she had lived it even, but what else could she do?

"Katherine?"

Martha appeared at the other end of the hallway, the confusion she had heard on the phone when she had tried to explain the situation was now visible on Martha's face. The two women met halfway the hallway in a hug.

Kate could feel Martha's eyes fixed on the double door behind her when she asked if what Kate had told on the phone was real. She explained everything, how she had come back to the apartment after parting ways with her and Alexis, how he had knocked at her door and handed her the book and hasn't said a word since. By the end of her monologue, Martha had sat down next to the kids, one of her hand was holding Alex's and drawing little circles on it with her thumb. Only one tear had escaped her eyes and fell on the little boys hand, the others she had whipped clean of her face before they fell.

"Where's Alexis? I thought she was with you?" Kate asked, the two were supposed to be together and she noticed only now that she was not here. If Kate had understood correctly, Castle had seen Lona this morning, therefore there was a chance he had seen his other daughter as well with her.

"I left her short after we left you. I called her right after you called me, she's coming."

Martha explained how she hadn't said anything about the girl's father being back, as she had thought that she had misunderstood herself.

Ryan and Esposito came 5 minutes after; they wanted to come earlier but they were working on a heavy case for the past couple of months. It involved a serial killer but she didn't know anything precise. She explained them the situation again, it was the second time she did so but it still didn't seem real. The Guys were speechless and offered to try to figure out what had happen to him. Kate also asked Ryan if he could take the twins for the night, it was 10pm now and they had started to sleep on their chair.

"Of course I can, Beckett. Grace and Jenny will be happy to see them."

The kids obviously didn't want to go, claiming they weren't tired between yawns. She had convinced them after a few minutes, promising they won't have to go to school tomorrow and could stay with their father instead. This seemed to be what decided them to follow her ex-partner.

An hour passed and Alexis finally arrived. She was with her boyfriend, Dan (whom she had been dating for two years and known for four). When they met, Dan was a graduate student from a cooking school in France and had just opened a little restaurant in the city. Kate liked the young man, very talented and successful; he was really down to earth and had a great heart, and she was happy Alexis had found a good man.

"What happened? Are the twins okay?"

This reminded Kate than Alexis still didn't know. Not seeing the two kids around probably made Alexis think that they were sick or injured and needed care at the hospital.

"There are at Ryan's. They are fine." Kate answered. Now she had to explain for the third time how Castle had come, how he had never died, how he had find his way back, how she-

Martha hold her hand and gave her a sympathetic look. She went ahead with telling her granddaughter.

"Alexis, it's not the cubs, it's your father. He's back."

"W- what?"

Martha's bit her bottom lip and repeated her words. Alexis' face decomposed, her lips moved but didn't let any words escape. She took a step back, if it weren't for Dan's hand holding her up, she would have fall right there. Seeing the young girl like this, eyes red and unable to pronounce any words made her think of the beginning of all this, when they all thought he was dead.

Of course, that's the moment the doctor decided to show up.

Martha asked about Rick after introducing herself, Dan, and Alexis who was still in shock.

"Your husband's condition is like nothing I've ever seen."

"_He's not my husband."_ She thought about saying but did not.

"His body is covered with scar tissues and burns and his back has most of the second-degree burns. His right ankle has been fractured and his right wrist broken, both healed really badly. It's a miracle he isn't in more pain to be honest. For the scars, most are superficial, but there is a few deep ones that left ugly scars. It's obvious that the person who did this to him wanted something from him given the ropes marks and one big scar on his left shoulder which appears to come from a stabbing. But his body's state is only the tip of the iceberg."

A fractured ankle, a broken wrist, second degree burns, scars and this was only the beginning. The doctor proceeded to explain Castle's mental health. He had a retrograde amnesia, and couldn't remember some parts of what had happen to him before the last five years. Added to that was the mutism, the doctor explained that he was able to speak but his brain refused to. All this was a defense mechanism to avoid the pain of what was done to him.

Castle had been held captive for five years, tortured it seemed. He held the physical and mental damages. It took him five years to get out of there, five years she had done nothing to get him out, five years she thought he was dead when he was probably waiting for her, until his amnesia kicked in. And if he had forgotten about herself she wouldn't blame him.

She had forgotten about him. She had let him down.

She blamed herself. And the only thing she could do is ask for forgiveness. But what would it do? He couldn't talk, probably didn't remember her entirely. He shouldn't forgive her, she thought, but what else could she do.

"Do you want to see him?"

She realized the doctor was talking to her and she hadn't answered.

"No." she said abruptly "I… Martha and Alexis should see him first… they haven't seen him..."

"Come on darling, it could be good for him to see you, to see us all. Familiar faces, that's what he needs right now." Martha suggested.

"No, later. I have a few calls to make first, but I'll join you later." She answered, trying to give a smile to the woman. She could see that Martha didn't buy it, that no calls were needed, but she decided not to talk about it for now and just gave Kate a knowing smile.

"Alright, his room is 503. Oh and I almost forgot. We noticed that he has troubles with staying under bright lights so we've turned off the light and let some dim lights on only. Just don't turn on the lights even if the room is really dark."

These were the doctor's last words; she left towards an office and shut the door behind her. Martha took Alexis' hand and walked towards the double door, where the room 503 was, but Alexis didn't move.

"I'm not sure I can do this…" the woman whispered out. Her face showed happiness at the news but mostly terror. The trembling movement of her lips and her red eyes wide open, she was really, really terrified.

That's when Dan turned to her and held her face with both his hand, making her look up to him.

"Lex, of course you can. Your father will be delighted to see you, as you will be. Everything will be okay, and if you need me, I'll be right here in this hallway, alright? Martha and Kate are here too. You're not alone. You can do this, you're a survivor, like your dad, right?"

His thumb was gently caressing her cheek as he spoke; his voice was calm and steady but also really calm. He looked at her as if she was the most important thing in the world, as if one of them was the moon and the other the earth, and that one couldn't leave without the other. She didn't know which was which but maybe they knew. She had seen them together before but she had never seen them like this before, this familiarity and passion. He let out a slight laugh at his last words which made Alexis smile and nod at him. Alexis squeezed Martha's hand slightly and smiled towards Kate.

"Not alone." she whispered.

Dan kissed Alexis' cheek slightly and let her go with Martha. The two women disappeared behind the double doors.

She sat down and kept starring at Castle's book she held in her hand. For how long had she been holding it?

She asked herself that question for half an hour until she looked up to find Dan sitting next to her. She had forgotten that he was here.

* * *

He was looking down to a little velvet box revealing a ring inside. He must have noticed that she looked at it in the corner of his eyes because he began to speak.

"I was going to propose to her today. I had asked Martha to drive by the restaurant after an hour of shopping, so that she wouldn't have an idea of what I was planning. Then Martha would excuse herself and let us together. I had the whole thing planned. We would cook and eat her favorite dish together. And after desert, I'd ask her to marry me. It was perfect in my head, just her and me, you know?"

Of course she knew. She had lived this. He ran his thumb on the ring.

"I was so nervous and scared. I know I love her, and I know she loves me but… what if she doesn't want this now? I didn't want to scare her off or... But then I thought back to the day I had met her. Has Alexis talked to you about it?"

She hadn't. Whenever Martha or her would bring up the question, the young woman would only say that they had met at his job and talked, leaving out all the details. She told him that she didn't know anything about it.

"It was around a year after her father… disappearance. She was alone and I was waiting for her to leave so I could close the restaurant. I had brought her dish to her and the only sounds I could hear were the ones of the plates I was washing when I got back to the kitchen. Ten minutes later, I hear her laughing. I thought she was on the phone or something, but no. She was just looking at the omelet she had ordered at midnight and the whipped cream she had put over it. I was just at the kitchen door, looking at her from afar and her laugh was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. But then the laughter's slowed down and became sobs. This was one of those moments, you know? When you forget the world and its rules, and are acutely aware of only two things : yourself and what is happening right in front of you. I couldn't help myself and had to do something. I didn't even think, I just did what my guts told me and next thing I knew, I was sitting on the chair across her and had removed the plate from her. She cried for at least 20 minutes and I was there, silent and looking at her. Then she looked up at me and said 'Nothing is right and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know if I can fix it'. She cried more and I held her hand."

He closed the velvet box and held it tightly between his two hands.

"When I was terrified to ask her, sitting on the same chair she had been on that day, I thought back to what I told her that night."

He put the box in his inner pocket and rubbed his face with his hand. He was exhausted as she was. Her watch showed midnight.

"Martha called just when I had taken the box out of my pocket. I don't know, maybe it's a sign that I shouldn't ask her. That's it's not the right time. Maybe being married will be too difficult for us."

Dan and I were quite alike now that she thought about it. Kate thought back to when Castle had proposed to her, to the worries she had back then.

"Marriage isn't about bad timing, Dan. Things will get ruff, just like they've been before. That doesn't change. It's a promise, to figuring things out together, going through those hard times together. If you're willing to do that, then marriage won't be too difficult for you, because even if things don't go as planned, you'll have each other."

As she finished her sentence Alexis appeared at the double door, smiling, tears gone from her face.

"Guys, if you want to see him you should do it now. He is starting to get tired."

"Thanks Alexis, we're coming" Kate answered, Alexis went back to her father's room.

Both Kate and Dan stood up and walked to the double door, before to open the door Kate turned back to the man who was following her.

"What was the thing that you told Alexis that day when you met her? That made you decide to propose to her just before Martha called?"

"I told her that some things couldn't be fixed. But that it didn't mean that they couldn't be transformed into something different."

He walked past her and opened the door for her to walk.

"And that, if she wants it bad enough, then the change will be as good as the old, if not better." he finished.

* * *

The room's door was slightly open but with no lights on she couldn't see anything inside. Dan knocked on the door gently and a few seconds later, Alexis opened the door. The terror that had been on her eyes earlier was gone and only a smile of pure joy could be seen on it. She took Dan hands.

"He's here." They followed Alexis lead and entered the room. Only a lamp was on and Martha was holding his left hand, when the older woman turned her eyes towards them Castle's did as well. But Kate couldn't look at him, so she gave him a quick smile and sat down at the empty chair next to his feet. Alexis sat back to Castle's right, still holding her boyfriend's hand.

"Dad, this is Dan. He's um…" she looked up to him before finishing her sentence.

"He's my fiancé." she said giving the young man a smile.

Of course Alexis knew he wanted to propose. Or was it her way to propose to him? In any case, the young man's smile growing on his face was indicating that he approved of the term.

They stayed silent. After an hour everyone had fallen asleep except her. She was still staring at the book in her hands, gently touching the cover. She opened it, she didn't know why, maybe a reader's habit. The pages were highlighted in different colors, some parts were circled and others had question marks above them. Did it mean he had forgotten about those? She went through each pages, taking mental notes of what he had written on them. Montgomery's shooting was highlighted and the part she had written about how she had felt hanging off that roof was circled. She observed everything, every ink that had been added, until she arrived towards the end of the book. Some drained blood was on the corner of the book, further she went in the book and bigger the stain was, reaching the printed words. The black words were hard to distinguish from the red blood until the last pages, where the book had soaked so long in the blood that the paper was black with blood, and the words were just impossible to separate from the blood.

"I'm so sorry, Castle."

She closed the book.

"I should have been there and I wasn't. I should have saved you and I didn't even try. I'm so sorry."

She cried.

"I'm so sorry, Castle."

She kept crying in silence until she fell asleep on her chair, the book falling from her lap to the floor.

* * *

_**Author's Note :**_ I want to apologize with the long delay on this chapter. The first thousands words didn't want to come out. Added to that, exams results, uni registration, catching up some tv shows and not feeling well days, this chapter took longer to write than I first expected.

As you can see, this fic started as a one-shot but isn't one anymore. I have a general idea where I want this story to go, a few ideas for different chapters, but I'm mostly writing this as it comes. So I don't really know how long it will be or how often I will upload. And if the chapters are all 4k(ish) so far, I'm not sure they all will be.

Your follows/favs really push me to write more (and faster) and your reviews really warm my heart and help me improve my writing. And for all of them THANK YOU. Even people only reading this fic, makes me love this new side of the fandom I'm discovering slowly and I'M LOVING IT, THANK YOU !

Looking forward to read your reviews (positive and/or negative) and I hope you're spending a good day, if not, remember: You're a survivor and everything will be okay.


	4. Chapter 4 : Guilty

**Chapter 4 : Guilty**

_Kate opened the door to find him sitting uncomfortably straight in his chair, starring at the wall in front of him. The only light turned on was above him._

"_Castle?"_

_He didn't react to his name. She called out a couple of times again from where she stood behind him but he didn't move. She raised her hand to rest it on his shoulder and at the contact, a scar appeared. She was now standing in front of him, and could see that the reason he didn't move was because he was restrained to his chair. Horrified, she crouched and started to untie his wrists and ankles._

"_Come on Castle. Let's get out of here." Her voice sounding more panicked that she had wished._

_But he didn't move, only looked up at her. _

_The room wasn't dark enough not to see his eyes. For the first time in her life she wished she didn't see them, filled with pain, hatred and disappointment, those eyes so intensely starring at her._

_She called out to him again but he didn't move, the burns and scars appeared on his body each time she said his name._

"_Castle." she pleaded again, she didn't want to look at his eyes but couldn't look away._

"_Castle. "_

"_Castle."_

"_Castle."_

_She found herself behind the window of the interrogation room. The room hasn't changed since she left the NYPD. Disoriented by the sudden change of scenery, she ran to the door to open it. Locked, she walked back to the window and tried to break it, it being her only escape._

"_CASTLE!" she screamed, "CASTLE TALK TO ME!" she shouted. But he kept starring at her, each time her fist would make contact with the window's glass, a new bruise, a new cut would appear. _

"_I'm so sorry Castle. I am."_

_His eyes were still on her. His eyes weren't blue but green, filled with guilt, disappointment and self hatred. She hit the glass even harder._

"_Please, forgive me!"_

_She hit the window over and over again but not a dent would appear on the glass. She let herself fall down on the floor, tears pouring out of her eyes._

"_I'm so sorry." she would mumble between sobs, her hands covering her eyes, trying to erase the image of his (her) eyes on her._

"_CASTLE!" she burst out. The glass shattered above her, pieces of it falling all over her._

She jumped off her chair when she woke up.

"Just a bad dream." She told herself, rubbing her eyes with her hands. Her body ached from the night spent on the chair. She stayed in this position, face in her hands, for a few minutes, trying to clear out her mind.

"Mrs. Beckett?"

She almost jumped again at the sound of the feminine voice calling her. She turned around and found the young doctor resting on the door frame, arms crossed in front of her.

"I'm sorry if I woke you up." she added once Kate turned around to face her.

"No it's alright. How is-" she turned around to look at the bed, expecting to see him, but he wasn't there. The chair where Martha and Alexis had been in last night was also empty. She was suddenly overwhelmed with panic.

"We took him for some tests earlier this morning. He is with your family in the hallway right now." She must have noticed Kate's worry and added "He's fine." After a few seconds.

The clock on the wall showed 11am and Kate was still in a blurry state, not fully awake. She couldn't let go of the images from her dream, his eyes looking right at her like he never have before. The doctor walked over to the chair in front of her and sat down.

"The next few days and weeks are going to be crucial for him. If the circumstances were different we would keep him at least three days but I think it's best to make an exception here."

"I understand." Or not really, she woke up only five minutes ago after all. "How many weeks is he going to stay?"

"Well… None."

Kate first thought that she misheard. His physical and mental state was surely too important for him to just leave the hospital.

"What Mr. Castle need is rest, a lot of it and a steady environment. That's sleep, healthy food, good hygiene but also people around him that love him and help him go back to a normal routine. I'm sure he will find all this at home."

"But, what about the trauma? What if something goes wrong?" Kate thought that things probably couldn't be more messed up that they already were anyway.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. If, as your stepmother and stepdaughter would like, you do bring him home, you have to be fully aware of this. We can't know what happened to him precisely since he is still not talking, but if his injuries are any indication, it was really violent. We've seen some people victim of torture being violent towards the people that try to help them before. But I don't think that's the case with your husband."

"He's not my husband." She snapped.

And that has always pissed off Kate. During parents meetings or when filling out paper, husband and wife was that empty case she could never cross, she wasn't a widow either. According to the paper, she was just alone.

"He's… he's my partner." Kate looked up to the woman across from her, the woman's eyes showed compassion towards her. At any second the woman will probably take her hand and try to reassure her and that she did not wanted. She had to deal with this on her own first, deal with this situation and what she did (or not do) on her own. She didn't want compassion.

"Why isn't it his case?" Kate asked hoping the woman would go back to their original conversation.

"Well… during the few tests we have performed, whenever someone would get close or touch him, he would keep them away. He didn't hurt anyone at all, but after three doctors held him down so we could take some of his blood, we saw that he had closed his fits so tight his nails cut his hands. We're not worried that he could hurt someone else, even if that is a possibility, but mostly that he could hurt himself."

Kate buried her face in her hands. She couldn't take care of him for many obvious reasons. First, she couldn't possibly be with him 24/7 with her job (but she did have a lot of days off waiting to be taken). Second, staying in the hospital would be the best decision in case of medical urgency and lastly, the kids.

"Are you sure he wouldn't hurt someone else?"

A laugh escaped the doctor's mouth. Had she said something funny? Was she mocking her for being concerned of her kids safety, because that was what she was really worried about. Was that what people would do to her now, mock, pity, hate?

"You should take a look at him in the hallway but yes, I'm pretty sure you have nothing to worry about."

The doctor left, leaving Kate alone in her chair. She walked towards the sink in the little bathroom of the room. The cold water against her skin felt good, cleaning what remained of her dream, until she looked up to the mirror and saw his eyes again. _Hers_, it was _her_ eyes. She made a fist of her right hand and rested it against the glass. Was it too late to help him? Probably. But surely she had to try, even if it would reject her once he would realize that she had given up on them but she owed him that at least. She had to help him reconstruct himself, just like he did her all those years ago with her.

Taking a deep breath she walked to the door and peeked at the hallway. Martha and Alexis were talking together while Castle and the twins were on the right side of the corridor, their back to her. They had moved Castle to a wheelchair, Alex sitting on his father's lap and Lee was trying to push them, without succeeding. She understood what the doctor had said about Castle by looking at his left arm, the only thing she could see aside of the back of his head. He was relaxed, his hand on the armrest, holding on to it slightly but only to stay balanced as his son was jumping on his lap. She also noticed the bandage around his hand. That's when Alex, who has been giving orders to his sister to push them, got off his father and turned around the wheelchair to join his sister. By doing so, he saw her and called out to her, which made everyone's head turn around as well (except his, she sadly noticed).

Martha and Alexis were the first one to walk to her, the kids were doing… something.

"We tried to wake you up three hours ago but nothing." the young woman told her. "How are you?"

"As well as sleeping on a chair is, which is not so good." Kate remembered last night, and how Martha had let her some time to think and thanked her, she then asked the two women if they really thought taking him out of the hospital was the best for him. They did and repeated pretty much everything the doctor had told her ten minutes ago. Alexis asked Kate if she could move back to the apartment, proposing to sleep with the twins or on the couch since all the room were taken. The three women talked a long time about how to organize Castle's return.

"CHAIR COMING!" the twins screamed. Both were pushing the chair towards the three women. They lost control of it and Castle was now coming towards them fast. If Alexis and Martha were able to avoid the coming chair, Kate's vision cleared only when they stepped aside. Without thinking, she put her hands in front of her in an attempt to stop the chair, they slammed against each of the armrests, stopping instantly the chair and ejecting Castle of it. Surprised by his body coming towards her, she grabbed him to keep him from falling on the floor.

The two of them were now tangled in a weird embrace. She could feel his arms around her, holding on to her. It was the first physical contact they had since she they left the apartment. She almost dived in the crook of his shoulder, feeling the warm of his body against her, but decided against it. She sat him back on the chair and thought she saw in his love in his beautiful blue eyes, but it wasn't. He just had been surprised and glad she was there to catch him, that was all there was. She looked down to his body and found his fists closed tightly.

_He could hurt himself_, his doctor had told her. "It's okay Castle." She told him, trying to open one of his hands gently. _Whenever someone would get close or touch him he would keep them away_, was also something else the doctor said.

"No one is gonna hurt you anymore." She told him, avoiding his eyes and removing her hands. After a few seconds, his fits opened. Relieved, she looked up to him. It was so easy to get lost in his eyes so simple. It comforted her to see his blue eyes staring back at her, a reassurance that he was here, but she was also terrified at the idea that any of his looks could be the last one directed to her with love, and that the only thing she'll see in them would be negative. So she looked away, foolishly thinking that if she didn't look, the love in his eyes wouldn't be able to leave.

"Sorry mother." Alex said, his hands had been hiding his eyes. Lee repeated the same words after removing her hands from her mouth. The last time she had been called like that was when Lona had cut her hand accidentally. Back then, Kate had told her to never apologize for being hurt.

Alexis suggested bringing Castle back to his room, Martha followed and let Kate talk with her kids.

"Guys, no more pushing him around. This could have ended badly, for him but also for you both."

"We just wanted to bring him to you. We know how much you missed Dad."

She let out a sight. Of course that's what they wanted to do.

"You also wanted to push him around too because it's funny, or am I wrong?"

"Well, a little bit too." her daughter stated.

She sat down the twins on the nearest bench, it was time to explain them the situation.

"Kids, your father is going through some difficult stuff right now. That's why he…"

"Why he doesn't talk." her daughter finished.

"Yes honey. When we thought your father… (died) was gone, he was actually with some people."

"Bad guys?" The question came from her son.

"Yes, he was with bad guys. But now he's back and we gotta help him get better, Grams, Alexis, me but also you two."

"We can? You don't usually let us help with stuff at home." her daughter commented.

"Oh I know how I can help! I'll give him some of my candy!" Alex waved the chocolate bar in his hand as if he only realized now he was holding it.

"Who gave you that?" Kate asked.

"Uncle Kevin gave me money for the vending machine when he brought us here. Chocolate is great, Dad will love it!"

Kate took a mental note to talk to Ryan about this. The two were already bouncing and running around every day, adding sugar to the mix and they would never stop. Lona took her brother's chocolate bar and ate some of it as soon as it left her brother's hand. She spoke:

"She meant help with our awesome selves' bro." She turned to Kate: "Will do, Mommy General!" She stood at attention towards her mother; Alex quickly mimicked her and followed with a "What she said."

She smiled at the pair of them looking up at her. Their enthusiasm and cheerfulness making her feel better about the situation. She was surprised and relieved at how easily they had understood what was happening. She gave a quick kiss on each of their foreheads and let them joined everyone else in Castle's room. She looked at them walking in the hallway, Lona breaking what was left of the chocolate bar in two and giving a piece to her brother.

They almost reached the door when her phone buzzed.

"_Yo Beckett! Sorry to disturb your family time, could you drop off what writer boy had with him when he came back, might be some clues in there. No rush but sometime in the next few days would be perfect. See ya. _

_JE_

_Ps: Say hi to Castle from everyone at the 12__th__"_

Kate put the phone back in her pocket, not checking the 12 e-mails waiting to be read, probably from some of her students she should have seen today. She realized that she hadn't called the school to warn them of her absence. Joining Ryan's note was now calling the academy and use the few days off she had, plus calling a replacement she trusted, she wasn't going to be one of those teacher who just let their students without class to then fail later during their exams.

Castle's doctor was by the reception, taking paper off the desk. Not remembering her name, Kate tentatively called out "doctor" hoping the tall woman would turn around, which she did.

As she walked towards her, Kate wondered whether or not the woman had tried modeling, her short dark hair and brown eyes giving her a serious and yet reassuring appearance.

Kate looked down at her badge very quickly to read her name.

"Dr. Jeffords, what you said this morning about taking him out of the hospital, when could it be done?"

"We're still waiting on the result of this morning's test." She looked down at her watch, it was noon. "I think you could leave by 2 or 3 pm."

Kate thought she heard Castle's name, she turned around to his room but no one was there.

" -take him after all?"

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"So you decided to take him after all?" the doctor repeated.

"It's either that or him going straight for the wall." She mumbled to herself. "Yes, I guess we did." She answered the woman.

"I'll have someone bring you the papers you'll need to sign then."

She heard Castle's name again, but this time she knew where it came from. It wasn't behind her but in front of her, in the waiting area. She walked passed Dr. Jeffords, whose hair and long legs had been quickly forgotten, and reached the small room. Only one man, in his mid thirties was here, holding a document and his phone, watching the tv in front of him, she followed his gaze to look at the screen. On air was some "people news" starring a guy called Jordan and a woman whose name was Terry (or maybe it was Kelly), nothing very interesting unless you wanted to know who was sleeping with who at the moment. The cable show's summary finished and the camera was back on the two "journalists". The woman was the first one to talk:

"_Good morning Jordan! How are you today?"_

"_I'm feeling good. What about you Kerry, are you having a nice morning?"_

"_A very good one my dear, my favorite mystery novel writer came back from the dead today. How crazy?" _

The screen revealed an old photo of Castle from one of his old public appearance, his sunglasses on his noise, pen in his hand and signing pictures of himself.

"_One of our sources spotted the five year long dead, or not so much, writer at a hospital in New York." _

The picture faded and revealed a shaking video taken with an iPhone where she could see Castle in his wheelchair looking at the twins in front of him talking. Alexis was in the back but only her hair were visible, the rest of her hidden by a wall.

"_I'm sorry Kerry but I don't know that man."_

"_Oh Jordan that's because you, like a lot of other Americans, do not read much. But it's okay, I still love you and I'm here to remember you the facts. The handsome and once closely shaved Richard Castle is the author of the famous Derrick Storm book series. After killing his main character in the last book he then wrote a new series of books, Nikki Heat, about a journalist Jameson Rook following a strong, smart and sexy NYPD detective in her cases."_

The tv screen showed the video on a loop, with a banner "Richard Castle is alive!" at the bottom.

"_You see Jordan, five years ago, the long nicknamed "white whale" was about to marry NYPD detective and muse Katherine Beckett, but had a tragic car accident on his way to the wedding. After investigation, proof of his presence in the car had been found and, to my great despair and the ones of all his fans, the writer was officially died."_

"_Oh yes! I remember the accident in the Hamptons. What a shame."_

"_Indeed Jordan, and do you see the two little brown haired kids just there."_

"_Oh yes Kerry I do. Are they his?!"_

"_That's the worst part of the story. His bride-to-be, who wrote a book called "Castle" after his death, was actually pregnant at the time, and this is the very first footage of the little five years old Castle twins on tv."_

"_Well, I don't know about you Kerry, but I cannot wait to hear more of this story."_

"_Wait until someone tells him that her book sold better than his last Derrick Storm."_

"_Until then, I have some people news for you concerning America's sweetheart Taylor Swift, who has been spotted with something new on her left hand."_

Kate stopped breathing at some point, her hands in closed fists on each of her sides, she was red. Red with anger that now everyone knew about his sudden come back, red that him and her kids had been filmed this morning, red that some journalists wannabes' main concerned wasn't his health but which one of them had sold more books.

But she was also red with shame, red that she had let the kids come here, that instead of watching their backs and Castle's, she was sleeping, red that she had let all this happen.

Red with anger. Red with shame.

"It's amazing isn't it?" the man asked, looking up at her from his chair. "I'm so happy that man is alive! His books were truly GLORIOUS! And I can't believe my footage is on television! I thought I was hallucinating at first, but it was him, right over there, with those kids! God I can't believe the amount of money I just sold that video, I'm going to be able to pay for that surgery now and even some bills. When I think that I had first asked for an appointment at 11 a.m.. Maybe it was fate."

Kate looked down to the man next to her. His grin disappeared from his face as soon as his eyes made contact with hers, red with unshed tears.

Red was all she could see.

She hit the man's noise with her closed fist.

_Once._

"WHAT THE HELL?!" the man screamed, holding his noise as if it were about to fall.

_Twice._

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_ While writing the first 2k of this chapter I cut my hand pretty deep by accident. So know that, aside of the emotional pain of writing this, was added physical pain. If this chapter is squeezing out your heart like it did mine, consider my injury your payback (or maybe it is the reason why I made this chapter a little more painful, it depends how you look at the situation).

Moreover, I was on tumblr the other day (how surprising!) and stumbled upon a quote on my dash. I decided to put it here, since it deals with a theme of chapter 2 that I will deepen more in chapter 6 (?):

"_When you live in the dark for so long, you begin to love it. And it loves you back, and isn't that the point? You think, the face turns to the shadows, and just as well. It accepts, it heals, it allows. But it also devours." (Raymond Carver, Late Fragment)_

I'm looking forward to your reviews.

See you in (another life brother) the next chapter and have a nice day (or night if you read fan fiction at 1 a.m. like me).


	5. Chapter 5 : Crossfire

**Chapter 5: Crossfire**

_This chapter hasn't been read by my beta yet. But since the wait has been quite long already I decided to give it to now. I'll replace it with the beta version later. Good reading._

* * *

Unlucky for her, after the second fists reached its target, two cops in the hospital had emerged from behind her and kept her from hitting the stranger once more. She didn't try to get away and just let her arms fall and her legs follow wherever they were leading her. That was in a room at the opposite of the hallway, as they passed Castle's room her eyes fell on the closed door. She had no regret or shame of her act, she was only glad that no one had seen her.

After a few minutes of calls and talking, the stranger (whose name was Frank Burr she overheard) had filed a complaint. One of the cops took out his cuffs to put them around her wrists but the other one stopped him, saying she was "from the house". They walked out of the hospital for the precinct and when the elevator's door were about to close, she looked up and saw Martha, calling out for her. The door closed. Now she was filling shameful.

The friction the bandages created against the raw skin of her knuckles was unpleasant. She kept opening and closing her fists over and over again, sitting on a chair in a corner of the police station. At least they hadn't put her in a cell. Her chair was next to the breakroom's door and whenever a cop would walk passed her and open it, she could smell the hot coffee from the room.

She had been weak she realized now, had reacted on an impulsion and didn't regret it because the man deserved it, but she wished she could have thought of something else. Violence was not the answer and resorting to it was giving a bad example to her kids. But what disturbed her the most was that violence was not who she was.

Kate had changed in the last five years, having twins, quitting the precinct and losing him were the reasons why. She became a great mother, a great teacher she believed. She had tried to be the best version of herself to honor Castle and for her kids, fought to keep her walls down. But even during her darkest moments, she had never been violent.

Her old self was resurfacing, building thicker and taller walls and her new self was destroying it as it came together. She thought she knew where she stood, until yesterday.

"Hey." It came low as Ryan put a chair next to her to sit on. "Martha called saying you got arrested for punching a guy on his noise? Twice?"

She truly felt ashamed that Martha had seen her being taken away but the good sides of it, she didn't have to explain the situation and she was glad. "Esposito is talking with the guy, trying to get him to drop the charges."

Kate didn't talk and Ryan just stayed there, sitting next to her and waiting his arms crossed. The minutes passed, the clock was ticking and the coffee smell from the breakroom was the only source of serenity. She took it in with her eyes closed and her head resting against the wall. Images of her precinct flashing in front of her eyes, memories of those thousands cups Castle had brought to her. She smiled remembering of how many times their fingers had brushed as he had handed her the hot coffee and the chills from the contact faded away as her lips touched the cup. She missed coffee, his coffee.

"You know… I can't imagine what it's like for you obviously but, if it were me? If it were Jenny and Sarah Grace on that tv? I would have punched the guy a third time." She almost answered that it had been her intention but decided against it. She opened her eyes and looked at him. To any other eyes, Ryan would look handsome, elegant but not to hers. The slightly messy hair, a leather jacket instead of his three piece suit, he had gone out of his house in a rush. But he wasn't reprimanding her, on the contrary.

"You're not going to lecture me?" Her voice was hoarse from the unuse of the past couple of hours, which made her sound harsher than she intended. "

He paused, keeping his arms crosses in front of him and looking up to the ceiling, exactly as she was a few seconds ago "I get why you did it."

"Why?" She didn't ask to make sure he had understood, she did because she didn't know. It had just been instinct. Just that and nothing more she thought.

As he was about to answer, Esposito joined them. Her second ex partner entered with a cheerful "Yo" and told them that the charges had been dropped, thanks to his charming ways (and the fact that the stranger being a fan of Castle had been a way to convince him easily).

"You feelin' better?" he addressed her, pointing at her hand. But they both knew the question wasn't about her hands burning under the bandages. Kate nodded, not entirely certain she really was.

* * *

The guys gave her a ride home, since Martha and Alexis had taken care of getting Castme out of the hospital while she was away. They used this time to ask about Castle's state. She hadn't much to tell them unfortunately.

"And you have no idea how that happened to him?" Esposito asked after Kate told him about his body state.

"None. Surely he didn't do this to himself which means that someone else was involved. Kept him all these years and letting him go now. But why after everything…" After what exactly, Kate wondered. After _who_ did _what_ and _why_?

Ryan who had stayed silent so far spoke "I don't get it. That day, we found a burned body in his car. He really was dead. Each test we made we did again, several times. If Esposito hadn't talk to Lanie, she would probably be checking everything until now. Lab reports, dental records, everything was a match for him."

"So it means that someone tempered with the evidence. Someone, somewhere in the precinct or the lab, or both, knows the truth." Esposito finished.

"We need to reopen the case. Look at everyone who worked on it, conduct interrogations before they know Castle's come back. Starting with -"

"No Kate." Ryan interrupted. "_We_, Esposito and I, will look into this. You can't be involved in the case, you're too close."

"Like hell I will Ryan! It's Castle we're talking about!" Kate snapped, she might not be a cop anymore, but this was the only way to get answer, and she won't pass on that. "I'll help, I have to know what happened to him."

"She's right Ryan. She can consult with us. No one knows this case better than her. It's our best chance to find out who's behind this."

Esposito's support of her decision wasn't approved by Ryan, that much was clear. He let out a long sigh "This isn't a good idea guys. At all."

"Please Ryan, it's the only way for me to help him. I can't do nothing."

They stayed silent, each one of them deep in their thoughts, Esposito occasionally yelling at some careless drivers.

"We don't know who but..." It came out hesitant from Ryan, "Did Castle had anything on him that could help us know where he has been?"

"Not much really. Junk food, not much of it, pens, an empty water bottle... A book..."

"Writer boy had a book on him?" Esposito chuckled, hitting his index on the wheel while waiting for people to cross the road.

"My book..." Both turned around to look at her on the backseat, Kate swallowed hard "A good part of the last pages is covered in blood." Car horns from behind them made Esposito jumped and focus back on the road.

"How did he get it?" Ryan asked.

"I have no idea. He just knocked at my door and handed it to me."

"And the blood? You think it's his?"

"No idea... He... He hasn't said a word. I - I don't - I don't know..."

Ryan turned around and laid down his hand on her knee, giving her a comforting smile. "We're almost at your place, we'll get that book and have it run some test. If it's his, we will know, if not, we might have some new answers."

"Don't worry Beckett" Esposito looked at her through the mirror, "It'll take time but we'll get them. Just gotta be patient."

Kate felt lucky to have them, supporting her. They weren't family by blood, but they were by heart, since their very first case. They've always been there for each other, and she was glad it hadn't changed after she left the 12th.

When the three of them walked into the loft, they were greeted by two little beings. Several "yo" and "bro" were said around the room. Kate scanned quickly her surroundings, the twins were high fiving the guys, Martha and Alexis were on the couch looking at her, she gave the two woman an apologizing smile, only the young woman returned it. Martha spoke out as Kate noticed Castle's absence, informing her that he was resting in the bedroom.

Kate needed to have a talk with Martha, to apologize for letting her and the others down, or try to explain herself. She just had first to know what to say. She gave the book to the guys and they left, proposing to Kate to drop by the precinct to review all the evidence.

The kids went back to their room, giving a quick kiss to their mother, Kate guessed Martha or Alexis had told them where she had been, which would explain the lack of questioning.

"Grams told them you went to the precinct, to talk with the guys about everything." Alexis said after the two kids were out if the room.

Kate sate down on the armchair "Thank you", the shy smile in the corner of her mouth adding "and sorry you had to lie".

"Don't worry about it Kate". Alexis' hand reached for hers and Kate squeezed the woman's hand, that's when she noticed the ring on her finger.

"I'm happy for you Alexis, you deserve this."

Alexis blushed slightly and look down to her hand, suddenly not sure what to do with it. She cleared her throat. "Hum.. I talked with Martha about something but I wanted to run it by you too. Now that dad's back, I was thinking maybe I could move back here? Not permanently but..."

"But you've missed him" Kate finished. "Of course, Alexis." She paused and looked at Martha. She had played poker with her several times over the years, but her poker face had never been this good. She turned her head to Alexis, whose smile covered her entire face.

"I guess that's not what Dan had imagined for the nights following his proposal." Kate joked, remembering how herself and Castle barely left their beds the days following the proposal.

"No, it's not. But coming here was his idea actually." Alexis was lucky to have someone who knew her and what she needed. Of course Alexis could handle a lot of things on her own, she was smart and strong and could get herself out of any problem. But having someone next to her to propose help, Kate knew how important that was and she was glad Alexis had found it.

"Thank you Kate" Alexis left and went upstairs, to the twins bedroom. Even if she would have her own room upstairs, she knows her kids will probably propose her to move her bed to their bedroom for a real sleepover. She just hoped they won't do it every night because the only time it had happen, well she preferred not thinking about it.

"I'm so sorry Martha. I don't know why I... I just saw him… And the kids and I lost it... I..."

"I understand better than you imagine Kate. I've been there."

Martha had been a big public figure when she had her son, Kate knew, and even if the media were different at that time, they were still there. Kate had forgotten this until now. "He is going to need us, Katherine."

"I know but -"

"There is no 'but'. It's your book he showed up with, he is going to need you."

"He has amnesia Martha! You're his mother, Alexis is his daughter but me? For the six years we've spent together, I pushed him away during four of them. He doesn't know his two other kids not that we were about to get married."

"You can't know that for sure, he still hasn't said anything."

"But I know. I know because of the book and the notes he left on it. The question marks, the confused question written all over the latest readable pages of the book."

"But he loved you, for longer than you might think. That's not gone."

Kate burried her face in her hand, elbows on her knees. The loft was quite aside of the few laughs from upstairs, barely audible, breaking the silence.

" I'll help him Martha, of course, but there is not much I can do."

Kate expected Martha would answer but she did not. Kate chuckled, realizing the woman was using the same technique she herself used when she interrogated suspect. Don't answer and the suspect will keep talking, until tricking himself. Kate was a suspect but more importantly, she knew she was guilty: this morning at the hospital, but also for the last five years. Martha was a great interrogator.

"I'll find who did this to him." Kate let her tears fall "I will." the silent cry became sobs and Martha took her in her arms, soothing her, trying to make her feel better.

In Kate's hair she whispered "If that's the only thing you can do..."

(Trick)

* * *

Kate knocked on the bedroom's door and she heard nothing but silence. She knocked again and then opened the door slowly. She heard water falling from the tap in the bathroom and guessed that he must not have heard her knock because of it. The room was dark, curtain letting only a little light from the late afternoon in the room. Kate's eyes fell on her bed, done this morning, one of the corner slightly deranged because someone sat on it, because _he_ had sat on it.

It had been his bed first, then theirs and for the last five years hers. A too big and too cold bed to sleep in for five years, except for the nights the twins would sleep next to her. Now it was their bed again and it terrified her. Not because she didn't want it but because she didn't know if that's what he wanted, if he remembered all this being theirs in the first place.

Was it that easy? Just lay there next to him until sleep comes. The thing is she knows she wouldn't be able to sleep. She would want her last image of the day to be him and his eyes. But today his eyes were the things she wanted to avoid the most. She won't sleep on the bed tonight. She can't risk seeing her guilt in his eyes. She will close hers and remember his old blue and loving eyes.

She couldn't help but considering knocking on the bathroom's door and asking if everything was okay, but he couldn't reply anyway and he wouldn't need to because how could anything be okay?

As she was about to turn around and leave the room, Kate saw a puddle of water coming from the door.

"Castle?" Kate called out, hearing only the water falling. That's when she noticed that the noise hadn't stopped since she had walked in the room five minutes ago. Kate approached the door and knocked again, called out for him and asked if he felt alright. No answer. Kate took a deep breath and opened the door.

The lights were off and she instinctively reached for the light switch. Her eyes scanned the room, starting with the right side, where the sink was. The water was falling from the sink to the floor. She followed the water's trail and she saw him on the floor, his back against the bathtub and hands on the floor.

"Castle, are you okay?!" Kate bent down and reached for his face. Mere minutes ago, she was thinking about avoiding his eyes, but now that's the thing she wanted to see. She didn't know what she expected, had act on impulse, but when each her hands touched each side of his face and pulled it up to force eye contact, the eyes she met freaked her out. She stayed stoic, unable to move or talk, and kept starring. He was not okay. Not because he had just hurt himself but because he simply wasn't.

A tear escaped her eye; nothing from the Castle she knew was in his eyes. The joy, tenderness, dedication and love, none of it was there. She had been so scared to see his hatred for her in his eyes that she had tried to avoid him. But the desperation, fear, confusion and resignation she was seeing right now was much worse.

"Castle..." It came out as a whisper; more tears had fallen on her cheeks. How could she have believed she could fix the situation? At this moment she doubted she could make him feel better, but she will try her best, she owed him.

She stood up, cut the sink and wiped off her tears. Looking up to the mirror she noticed her tears were gone but replaced with a small trail of red. Blood.

She looked down to her palm, and a small drop of blood was spread out on it. Her bandages being clean it couldn't be hers, she looked back to him and noticed his cheeks, freshly shaved.

"You lost the hand of it." Kate told him, smiling, noticing the several small cut he had on his cheeks and neck. She cleaned the cuts with a towel gently on his cheeks and neck. That's when she noticed that he had removed her hands.

Her mouth and eyes opened at the sight. She knew about the scars and burns, had seen a few on his arms, but it's the first time she saw his chest. The stabbing scar on his shoulder she had barely glimpsed when he was in his hospital gown was now completely visible. He was looking at her and she tried not to stare, not to let a word out of her mouth, compose herself, but this was a lot. Too much for one man. She looked up to his eyes and that's when she understood: it was the first time he had seen it as well. (She shouldn't have replaced that mirror when she had broke it the first time).

She helped him up and sat him on the chair next to the bed. His pants were wet and he was putting water everywhere but at least he wasn't on the floor anymore. She dried him with a towel gently as much as she could.

"I'm going to get you some fresh clothes and then you should lie down, get some rest."

Most of his clothes, and things in general, had been put in boxes and moved to her old apartment, where Alexis had moves. But Kate had kept some of her favorite clothes, oddly most of them were fandom shirts (including the nebula 9 he had bought to surprise her). She took one at random and some pants and gave it to him.

"I'm sorry Castle." she still hadn't told him she thought " For this..." Kate continued, but "this" didn't came close to what she was sorry for "I'm sorry for everything."

Holding his gaze was too hard, too painful, she wasn't sure he had understood what she meant by the way his eyebrows were frowned.

"Martha and Alexis are here if you need anything."

Kate turned around, about to leave, when he caught her hand, keeping her from leaving. His soaked bandaged making contact with her dry ones, their fingers intertwined like it had been so many times before. His hand was gentle; his thumb had caressed her skin softly as he had caught it. She couldn't help but look down. She could feel her blood pumping faster in her veins at the contact going from her fingers to her tiptoe, she could feel him everywhere. His eyes were questioning her.

"I'll find out what happened. Who did this to you. I promise." her thumbs caressed slowly his hand, it didn't felt the same. "I'll ask Martha to change your bandages." Kate removed her hand from his and left, closing the door behind her. She rested her back and head against it and let out the breath she had been holding.

The feeling of his hand enveloping her, his thumb against her skin and hers against his. It was the same. But it was also different and new.

* * *

_**Author's Note:**_ I keep apologizing for the long delay in these AN but, I am truly sorry. I am not going to give up on that story, don't worry. It's been quite dark so far but it'll get better soon-_ish_. Also, I changed the summary because I wasn't really satisfied with the old one.

Thank you for all the favs/follow/reviews since the last update. It brings a smile to my face every time I get an email notification. Please review some more, I like smiling at my phone like an idiot.

Until next time then I guess!

_Please review._


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